to the barricades of Heaven where I'm from

Barricades of Heaven - Jackson Browne.

There’s a reason behind what we do. There’s a reason why writers write, why painters paint & a whole host of others. I found out the reason why people work in mental health this week. There’s a patient on the ward I’m at, who came in suicidally depressed, previous suicidal attempts, with both suicidal and homicidal ideation. She’s a wee woman who doesn’t really take up much room. I had to go through her belongings , de rigueur for mental health, feeling like the worlds’ worst cad as I pawed through her stuff, plucking needles (sewing, not IV) from her bag. She sat in the chair, slumped in it rather, like all the world had fallen in on her shoulders. She didn’t care about anything I was saying & the inane chatter you use to cover up long silences just echoed. I’ve never seen anyone so fundamentally depressed. Anyone who thinks depression is fiction should have taken a look at this woman, it was written in every bone of her body.

As the day went by she laid on her bed, turned her face to the wall and that was it. She cried and slept. A little later she came out of her room but she curled up on a chair and went to sleep again. When she didn’t sleep she cried. I felt sorry for her, it physically hurt to know someone was in so much pain they could react like that. The next day her depression began to annoy me because it wasn’t changing. She didn’t even seem like she was trying. It frustrated me because I was making all the effort and she wasn’t doing anything in return. I wanted to grab her and ask her if anyone was home. Obviously I didn’t.

On the third day I was chatting with another patient, discussing how writing is cathartic. She started to listen in. I was talking about a stream of consciousness & how interesting it would be to read some of theirs. She asked what a stream of consciousness was & startled me. I wasn’t expecting her to initiate a conversation. When I told her, she smiled, laughed and kept talking to me. It wasn’t the fact that she’d kept talking, it was that smile and that laugh that got me. It was like the sun coming out. All of a sudden I could see the person underneath the mental illness, all of a sudden there was hope. All of a sudden someone lifted the cloud on depression & I realised that was the reason why people work in mental health – to see that smile. I’ve never been so impacted by a smile before. It made everything worthwhile to see her grin at me.

I’m a student nurse so I’ve done a few pracs by now. I’ve seen babies born (which is NOT all flowers and beatnik love. There’s blood EVERYWHERE.) I’ve stood at the foot of a patients bed and tried to keep from crying when I knew the diagnosis and they didn’t, not yet. I’ve talked to a man who died three days later. I’ve watched pregnant women with needle marks up their arms ask for a cigarette and valiantly tried not to strangle them ( I ended up walking away from the patient & refusing to deal with her) but nothing hit me as much as that beautiful smile on my patient. That’s the reason why we do it. Everything made sense.

It made me realise there’s a reason behind it. I love mental health because I love that smile. I love writing because it feels like its woven through me. And in moments when I read back over my stuff & wonder if its any good I think about what Paul said to the Ephesians – ‘live the life God called you to live’. I want to live a life of purpose, my friend Denise asked a question on Facebook recently – were we living lives you could tell stories about? I want the life of purpose where you can tell stories. A purpose is a reason. My reasons are falling into place.

Oh & the fact I get to spend hours with a hot gangster doesn’t hinder either.

I want to love you with all the madness in my heart

Beautiful isnt it? Thinking of changing the banner over to this.

you and me honey, baby we were born to run

Under the pretence of ‘research’ I bought the best Mob movie ever made – Goodfellas. Stars Robert De Niro, Ray Liotta & Joe Pesci. Directed by Scorcese. It just doesn’t get any better than that! Or, it could, but only if Al Pacino was in it. I have the flu & am kind of drugged up on Sudafed so my plan is to tuck up & watch Goodfellas. It’ll also help with Santangelo & Vin.

Speaking of the two gangsters, The Rising is coming along nicely. The progress is different from HN but I think it’s because I have no preconceived notion of The Rising, it’s just spilling out. I’m hoping some heavy Mafia lore might inspire me too. It’s just odd at the minute because I know what to write & how I want it when they arrive at the hospital but right now, they’re driving there and Grayson’s revelation seems to be taking forever.

Along with Goodfellas I have True Blood S2. And Eric Northman/Alexander Skaarsgard is seriously becoming an inspiration for Saint. I think it’s in the way he holds himself & the way he keeps all his emotions in check. Northman is a pretty awesome vampire. Don’t get me wrong, the Vampire Lestat is good, but the Vampire Eric is all kinds of amazing. There’s an underlying menace to everything he does that I just love. He’s definitely an inspiration.

Speaking of inspiration, I sat down to read Unholy Magic by Stacia Kane this arvo in the freezing cold sunshine. Bathurst is the only place on Earth with freezing sunshine. I love her writing anyway, but I started reading it & it inspired me. Not inspired as in slavishly copy and just change names around, but inspired me with Saint. So far – and I’m 5 chapters in – it’s an awesome book! I’m most definitely a Terrible shipper though. Lex is a fascinating character but Terrible. Terrible’s perfect. Right down to the description of the car. I also love the way Ms. Kane does dialogue. The language in the Downside series is not strictly perfect English but it works so well for the world that she’s created. That’s what I hope to achieve with Saint & Vin.

I would desperately love to write more of The Rising this evening but thanks to my lovely flu that I’ve been landed with I have what feels like a needle of pain right behind my left eye. So I’m going to go to bed as suggested & watch Goodfellas. Expect a post about how great the Mafia is sometime in the near future!

Also, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend. Nothing to do with my writing, more to do with my fashion sense. Since watching Gossip Girl S1 my wardrobe appears to be taking on a distinctly Blair like appearance. So much so that as I was browsing the shops today I found myself holding a top & thinking I’m sure Blair had one like that. I know Serena is meant to be more popular & I do like her, truly I do, but Blair holds more interest for me. I think it’s the whole Queen Bee mentality. I see shades of Ronnie I think.
& now off to bed...cough...cough...splutter...insert gratuitous sympathy here:

under the benediction of the neon lights

Just submitted to Samhain EPublishing!

& I may be in the coldest place on Earth. Immensely beautiful, but cold.

A rural mental health placement was so most definitely not what I had in mind this session. I am not a country girl. Granted I’m not a city girl either. I’m suburbia. Green spaces but with the shops not too far away. Where I am now is 4 ½ hours from where I usually live. I live on the coast & can see mountains whenever I lift my head. Right now I’m way out west & all I can see is open space. The town is about three streets wide, but they’re gorgeous old buildings built in the 1930’s and still perfectly maintained. I should have some photos to post soon!

My plan for the next 2 weeks is thus: work on assignments. It’s Day 2 and I haven’t even opened my uni folder yet. I will though. I swear. Pinkie promise. I also wanted to update everything & that I have actually followed through on from this blog post to my fanfic. And my last thing was to write. While supposedly paying attention on the ward today I could hear Santangelo rattling around in my head.

I did spend some of yesterday working on Unction, the first in my Guardians series. It was really interesting because what came out on the paper wasn’t what I’d thought would come out on the paper. My main character appears to be much more human than I’d intended. Perhaps it’s a direct response to Ronnie Hall? I kind of love her already. Don is yet to appear but the Guardians kind of put themselves in a Prologue when I’d never intended them to have one.

Stephen King – of whom I speak too much about – talked about over-plotting in On Writing, which I thought was really interesting. He mentioned how he thought writing should never be over plotted because it became more like an instruction manual and lost some of its heart. I particularly loved how he spoke about characters coming to life and doing magic on the page, how he enjoyed writing because he could watch it happen firsthand. He said that when you write, you’re the first reader. I truly believe that. Santangelo is a blessing for me to write because I don’t plot him, I don’t do anything. He just turns up and rocks the Kasbah. Unction started off completely differently to how I thought but I love the way it’s going. It makes much more sense and somehow manages to explain the paranormal set up without going “It’s the year 2010 and...” Let the muse play!

you know me too much to know me; or not at all

‘Do you think I am trying to make people accept me? No, God is the One I am trying to please. Am I trying to please people? If I still wanted to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ’

Galatians 1:10

I entered 2 writing contests this week. One is over at Novel Novice, to win a copy of Cassandra Clare’s new book. I have her Mortal Instruments series & they’re amazing. You just sit down and get lost in them. The other wasn’t really a contest if I’m honest. I’m reading Stephen King’s ‘On Writing’, which is quite possibly one of the best things I’ve ever read. Halfway through he gives a brilliant writing exercise that got me thinking. He subverts it & then asks the reader to write it, then email it to him at his website. So that’s what I’m going to do. He may or may not answer it, if he does I can promise there’ll be at least one moment of fangirling, but I’m really enjoying entering these different contests and writing as much as possible.

The contest over at NN asks you to write a steampunk short. I had no idea what the genre was but I thought it had a very cool sounding name. Wikipedia, who is responsible for most of my university work, gave me a definition and that was it, I was hooked. Steampunk is taken from the 1800’s or thereabouts, the age of steam. It asks you to either write from that era alone, or write from that era but subvert the technology. I’d subvert myself given half the chance so I thought – awesome! I started writing the short by accident. I had a tutorial where the tutor insisted we watch a video that made me want to emigrate, then proceeded to inform us we should all buy a socialist newspaper. Halfway through I realised if I didn’t occupy my hands I was apt to stab the woman in the eye with a pen. So I took out my notebook and started writing.

The result was Tick Tock, my steampunk short. I thought, while ignoring political anathema hurling its way against slothful students’ ears, that it would be a romance. Um, no. A little old man came into view, shuffling about. He’d spent 10 years on a great invention made of steam. A clockwork, steam powered man. A knock-off robot if you want. A shady character bent on stealing said robot entered and what followed was a neat little story I’m quite proud of. It ended in a murder, which left me wondering why violence shades all my work. Perhaps my muse is psychopathic. You can find Tick Tock attached to the bottom of this post, or on the right hand sidebar. Steampunk is most definetly my kind of genre and something I can see myself working in, in future.

The Stephen King short is a basic plot outlined in his text, which funnily enough, also involves a murder (see? It’s not just me). I’m still thinking about it, waiting for the characters to settle themselves in my mind – my writing is primarily character driven rather than plot driven. But I’m excited about that too. The male figure is pretty much already down and it’ll be interesting to write. Of course if King does reply and assuming it’s not – please stop clogging my inbox before I set the cops on you – then I probably won’t shut up for a long time.

I try to make time each day to spend with God, in prayer, reading my Bible. Tonight I was reading Galatians, which is amazing in itself. The above quote hit me right between the eyes and made me take another look at how I lived my life, about how and who I wrote for. But while I’m reading I kept thinking about Unction, then shaking my head and going back to the Bible. Surely it’s sacrilegious to drift off like that? Anyway, I was thinking about my two protagonists & where they were going. In true sledgehammer out of the blue moments style, another character appeared. He brought with him an entire plot. And I mean an entire one. Unction & Guardians was developing into a series anyway, but this bolt just explained the entire thing to me. It brought a whole other mythology I hadn’t planned on adding and I can’t wait to see how things unfold. Although I do feel I should apologise to God, because it wasn’t exactly the best time to get the muse sticking his head up.

I wonder if anyone ever heard from their muse at a funeral? Or halfway through a court case? Or any other inappropriate places?

& you’ll be happy to know the extended synopsis resolved itself. I’d say I can’t wait to write that either but there’s far too much excitement in this post already. It puts me in mind of a manic pup.

there's a darkness on the edge of town:

I could have also called this ‘Why the Synopsis should be murdered with a stake through its heart’

Human Nature is being submitted to multiple agents & publishers over the next two weeks. One query went to Camerons’ Management just this morning. HN will also be sent to Ebook publishers (is it just me or are they more receptive to new authors?) and will continue its Australian & American agent search.

I have no idea why it wishes to refer to itself in the 3rd person.

Going to come right out and say it – I love this whole process. Not so much the querying, not so much the synopsis. Definetly not the synopsis, more on that later. But the whole process of getting your book out there, marketing, networking. I’ve met some truly awesome people and maybe I’m just a show off at heart, but I love marketing Human Nature. Promotion is definetly one of my favourite parts of this whole gig. The Facebook page, this website, Twitter. An Ebook publisher started following me on Twitter today & I about fell out of my chair. Of course I didnt, because that would have been undignified. Rebecca Leigh gave me a brilliant looking forum – the Romance Divas – to join & I daresay I’ll shamelessly promote myself there too. Thats more about networking though. And finding the answer to the question thats been plaguing me for a couple of weeks now.

Ebooks. They’re intriguing me. Ebook publishing is intriguing me and I’m seriously considering submitting Human Nature to some brilliant sounding Ebook publishers I’ve come across. I admit I have a massive desire to see Human Nature on the shelf at the local bookstore, to take it down and run my fingers through the pages, but at the same time am I missing something huge by not following Ebooks?

Back to synopsis. Whoever invented those...well...shame on you. I’ve discovered varying agents & publishers want different lengths, which is harder than it sounds. After condensing 190,000 words into a one page synopsis its like a nightmare trying to expand it back out to 3-4 pages. I wish there was some way we could just plonk my brain on the page and be like ‘there, see that? Thats it’. However I think plonking a brain on an agents’ desk would result in a mental hospital. Possibly also a rejection. Still, its a novel way of getting their attention. Dear Agent: My submission is in my brain. Enclosed is my pre-frontal cortex. Kindly don’t poke the hypothalamus.

Work’s also started on the 2nd book in the Black Rose series, The Rising. A prologue is done and the first chapter’s been re-done about a zillion times. First Maryse wanted to talk, then Vin. I’d complain but I read a quote that says ‘the muse comes when she wants. If you send her away again, she may not come back at all’. So I’m gonna be real hospitable here.

As another outlet for shameless self promotion of the Black Rose series, look out for the upcoming forum. I was inspired by a friends’ Facebook discussion page. Keep your eyes peeled for Secrets. I’d tell you more, but its a secret. Hah. See? I can get endless miles out of this shebang. Anyway, she inspired me to go ahead and create something for the Black Rose series. It’ll focus on Human Nature & The Rising, as well as my upcoming series, roughly titled Guardians. Stay on the edge of your seats. No not back...the edge.